In the spirit of OINY, here are a few choice tidbits overheard at various neighborhood end-of-year parties. It’s worth noting that I did not have to attend any of said festivities to overhear these. As I might have mentioned, I can hear everything that happens up and down this benighted block without even trying. These people are fucking uncouth.
Scene I: After threatening to “flash on” the hosts of the party, a disgruntled guest leaves.
HOST: Yeah, he tried to flash on me but then he fuckin’ broke ’cause he was afraid I’s gonna flash on him.
OTHER GUEST: Who is he anyway?
HOST: Dude, he’s, like, twenty-six and a fuckin’ grad student.
OTHER GUY: And he’s still at college parties?
HOST: I know. The guy is a tool.
[Ed. Note: A tool he may be, but in a year’s time, he’ll be the one calling the cops on your ridiculously loud parties.]
Scene II: Four shirtless guys are posing with dumbbells in some sort of photo shoot in their front yard, occasionally throwing empty spirits bottles at each other. A girl walks by.
SHIRTLESS BEAUHUNK: Wooo! We just graduated college!
GIRL: [deadpan] That’s amazing.
SHIRTLESS BEAUHUNK: Woooooooo! I know! Duuuude!
GIRL: What was your major?
SHIRTLESS BEAUHUNK: Accounting. I am going to be an accountant!
GIRL: Are you good at it?
SHIRTLESS BEAUHUNK: No! Fuck no! Don’t get me to do your taxes!
Scene III: Stompy girl who lives upstairs, talking to a mumbly guy.
STOMPY: Well, yeah, I am a virgin, as far as I know…