So, yeah, I almost lost my (ahem) composure on the way to school this morning, and do you know what? I blame it on the health industry. Since I am being all healthy and everything (hey, it’s January!), I decided I should be taking a multi-vitamin, and I dug around in the medicine cabinet and found a nearly full bottle of One-A-Days. Like most things in my medicine cabinet, however, they were expired, so I bought a new bottle. Shortly after taking today’s vitamin, on my way to school, I suddenly, vividly remembered why I had stopped taking them before: they make me intensely nauseous.
I was in heavy morning traffic, stuck in the middle of a bridge, and I was having that horrible pre-vomitous feeling where your mouth just won’t stop watering, so you have to keep swallowing, but the swallowing just makes you feel worse, you know what I mean? Anybody? I started panicking a bit when I thought about the fact that I had no trash bags or any other such receptacle in my car, and I might wind up ralphing all over myself (“not my favorite grey trousers,” screamed an irrationally fashion-conscious voice in my head) or having to hang my head out the window and hope for the best.
Let me tell you; I did not relish the idea of puking out the window. I have done it once before, so I know from puking in a moving car: it was Minneapolis in December, the middle of the night, and a friend was dropping me and my roommate off after a night out. Right smack in the middle of the Washington Avenue Bridge, I had to hang my head out into the icy winter air and let go. From there, I can only assume that my dinner and several beers flowed southward, down the Mississippi River, through this huge continent, and out to the Gulf of Mexico. Poetic as it may sound now, it was awful at the time. The wind, people, the wind!
This morning, weighing my options, I decided to hang on as best I could. “Breathe, breathe,” I told myself, and slowly but surely, I made it off the bridge and over to a 7-11 where I could pull over. I eyed the dumpster to see if it had a lock on it (it didn’t), but I am relieved to say that it didn’t come to that. After a few moments, the nausea went away and I proceeded to school, where I managed to get through the first day of class with a still-upset stomach.
Fucking vitamins, man. I am quite certain it’s the vitamins, I feel I should tell you, because as soon as I started feeling bad, the memories of pain wreaked by these vitamins in the past all flooded back to me. (Heh. Flooded.) In case you would like to avoid such a fate, may I humbly suggest you not buy the One-A-Days, at least not the “Weight Smart” variety, which this was. On the other hand, maybe the ralphing is how they “help” you “manage” your weight, the cheeky health-conscious vitamin industry bastards.