i do not need to tell you that this attire is being worn nowhere near a sailing vessel of any kind

After a month in New Wye, I have learned a few facts about the Local Ways and Customs. For example, I now know where all the print sundresses and pearl stud earrings in the country are being stockpiled. Every New Wynian lass between the ages of 15 and 50 is prancing around town, fake tan all orangely aglow, with her floral print sundress rustling around her knees and her earlobes slowly being stretched out by massive (fake?) pearls. New Wye is also, it turns out, the place where all the Topsiders of the 1980s came to die — they’re all here, still kicking, barely, strapped to the sockless feet of the local young men. And I bet you thought it was safe to forget those unfortunate shoes, didn’t you?

Also in no short supply here: the middle name. Good glaven; I know Every Fucking Body’s middle name, because they all go by either their first and middle names or the middle name exclusively. The ones with first and middle names are the ones that get me — they’re all Mary Jo and Hillary Fay and Taylor Louise and Justin Bobby. Because it needs to take people longer to say things around here, of course.

I have one more class to teach this afternoon, after which I will be able to tell you a little bit about what I’m sure will be the Extreme Awesomeness of the whippersnappers’ writing skills. Ahoy, it’s papers already! Someone hold me.


  1. aha! there is another stock pile of sundresses and pearl earrings and fake tans HERE, in crooked letter! Your people must be the cousins of my people. It’s a tribe. Observe from a distance, but do not engage. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE. They will kill you with their ignorance and innanery.


  2. So you know exactly what I am talking about — it’s nuts, I say! It’s like some kind of uniform. One of my friends told me in shock the other day that he had spotted a gaggle of girls walking down the sidewalk, all in sundresses, except for one. We were all dying to know if the others were throwing rocks at her.


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