Film Reviews for Ladies: 30 Days of Nasty

I just saw 30 Days of Night yesterday, and let me tell you it was a major letdown. It had so much promise! For one thing, look at the graphic awesomeness that is the poster:

As you may know, this is yet another film based on a comic book, and that artistic sensibility surely shows in the poster design. And, um, nowhere else. One might expect some sexy-sexy vampires à la Buffy, Angel, or Interview With the Vampire. One would be disappointed. Oh, sure, maybe the vampires in the original comic aren’t sexy either, but how would I know that? I did not actually read the comic. What am I, some kind of nerd?

At any rate, please note the main vampire dude, depicted below. He basically just looks like some kind of creepy car salesman covered in blood:

That being said, I will admit that all of the other vampires are exceedingly disgusting, scary, and over-the-top gory. They mostly go around the town screeching inhumanly, grunting gutturally, and being covered in congealed blood from the nose downward. All of this makes them frightening indeed, but not in the least bit sexy. Where’s James Marsters in leather when you need him?

Not even the film’s “hero” could muster up any sexiness. Josh Hartnett, beloved by many female viewers (though not particularly so by me) basically seemed resigned and desperate throughout the film:

Weak. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but I will say that it only gets worse from here.

30 Days of Night: altogether too much congealed blood and not enough hot dudes in leather pants. Nice try, Slade, but next time don’t bother.

7 thoughts on “Film Reviews for Ladies: 30 Days of Nasty

  1. suomichris April 7, 2008 / 11:39 am

    Dude, we are psychic cause I ALSO watced 30 Days of Night yesterday.

    I, however, LOVED it, especially the non-pretentiousness with which they portrayed the vampires. Um, contrary to popular belief, devouring other human beings, tearing them limb-from-limb, and sucking their blood is not, in fact, sexy. I also found Hartnett to be super-sexy, especially when covered in vampire blood.

    Also, the vampires speak a language with ejectives. Ejectives!

  2. Sho April 7, 2008 / 12:49 pm

    I haven’t seen the movie, and I avoided it because of the reviews. However, I *am* some kind of nerd and read the graphic novel. It was short, but sweet, and the art was all kinds of dark and gritty, almost as if someone spilled ink all over the pages. The vampires were pretty non-sexy in the book too.

  3. Alfina the Vague April 7, 2008 / 1:07 pm

    Suomichris – WELL, that is all FINE, but LADIES prefer their vampires to nibble sexily at the neck area of their victims. And wear leather! Leather I tell you! (Also, I quibble with “unpretentious,” but that doesn’t matter. It’s all about the neck nibbling and leather. NIBBLING, NOT QUIBBLING!)

    Sho – Yeah, I bet the art would look pretty fab, which would make the comic way better than the movie. I can deal with non-sexy vampires if the art itself is sexy, know what I mean?

  4. suomichris April 7, 2008 / 7:19 pm

    Sho – The movie was good enough that it made me buy the graphic novel, so it can’t be that bad. Also, as to the art aspect: there are lots of frames in the movie taken straight from the graphic novel, and the overall look of the movie seems to match the book, at least from my initial glancing. The worst thing about the movie is that was filmed in New Zealand, and lots of the support cast are Maori (um, dude, Maori aren’t from Alaska, and people in Alaska don’t talk like Kiwis).

    Alfina – Um… LADIES! If you want to see an awesome vampire book that is turned into a complete pile of shit, read I Am Legend which is, like, so totally awesome, and then watch the movie, which is pretty awful except for the 60 seconds of Smith working out shirtless. Hell, the movie is so bad they had to ADD A VOICEOVER AT THE END to make the title make sense.

    Yeah. That bad.

  5. Alfina the Vague April 8, 2008 / 6:43 pm

    Incidentally, here are some things I did not really mention about the movie: The worst thing about it, for me, was that it was just plain too gory. I had to walk around sipping Diet Coke and turning on my lights after it was over. Also, the best thing about it was the fantasy I nourished about living in Alaska where there would actually be cold weather. Le sigh. I miss snow.

  6. Alfina the Vague April 8, 2008 / 6:44 pm

    Suomichris – OH ALSO! I have not seen I am Legend, but MAN OH MAN, you just KNOW I hate an expository voiceover. I am pissed just thinking about it.

  7. suomichris April 9, 2008 / 11:38 am

    The thing about the horrible expository voiceover is that it would have been TOTALLY UNNEEDED if only they had not fucked up the whole fucking story so goddamned massively so as to make the EFFING TITLE not fit the story anymore. The whole point of the book is completely missing from the movie.

    I would definitely recommend the book to you, though, vague. It’s a short, easy read, and filled with a whiskey-drinking, record-listen hero (and cheap). Then watch the movie. And share my anger.

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