I’m watching Johnny Depp on Inside the Actors’ Studio, an episode that was apparently taped sometime after he made Chocolat and before the Wretched Pirate Movies (which I in no way condone, but if they keep the guy working, fine, I GUESS).

Man, Depp is so totally one of my longest-standing TV Boyfriends (which is going to be a new category, because, honestly, I have so many TV Boyfriends that I will never run out of material).

When I was in middle school, my best friend and I would race home after school so we could make it there in time for 21 Jump Street, which we would watch, attention rapt, fantasizing about the day when Officer Tom Hanson would have to go undercover at our school. After the episode we would, of course, call each other and dissect his various outfits for hours.

The outfits are pretty bitchin’, are they not? I do love an all denim ensemble that includes a vest. Depp, see, is like a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a vest.

Speaking of his ever-changing and always fabulous wardrobe, may I mention Edward Scissorhands? What an amazing film, and totally inseparable from Depp’s deep-pool eyes, sensitive, Robert-Smith-like hair, and sexy leather ensemble. What could be better?

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, another hit of my high-school years, continued to explore his sensitive-guy ethos, and stitched him more tightly to the hearts (and, um, loins) of me and my girl friends. Oh, Depp, how we would love to get stranded in your lonesome town when our trailer breaks down! We would be nice to your retarded brother and obese mom, too!

I watched Ed Wood late one night in college with my artist boyfriend, a vaguely Deppian-looking, pseudo-sensitive dickweed. At the time, however, I was busy reveling in the fact that I was 18 and dating a hot artist who was a senior — too busy to notice the unmitigated dickweedliness of his nature. Ed Wood seemed like the brilliant, weird, artsy film perfect for sinking into late one night while smoking cigarettes and lounging in a state of semi-undress. Little did I know the dude I was dating was a little too Ed Wood and not enough Johnny Depp. OH WELL.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was a beloved book of mine in high school, so I was pretty psyched when I heard it was being made a film and that my main man Depp would be playing the lead. He was uncannily good, but I can’t say that it’s a film I’ll want to re-watch a lot now that I’ve quit smoking weed. An interesting point of note, though, is that on HST’s death in 2005, Depp not only financed the funeral, but also, I believe, fired the ashes out of the cannon.

I don’t have terribly much to say about Finding Neverland, but wasn’t he just endearing in that role? The picture below seems, to me, emblematic of that. Love.

Finally, here’s a gratuitous picture of the Young-and-Hot Depp of my adolescent daydreams. Hot then, still hot now. Wino Forever!

Depp, dude, call me.