Let's Get Retarded

Good glaven, I have forgotten what a Summer of Teaching Every Day can do to the Vague brain. The past few days have been plagued by many, many annoyances, some of which were caused by outside forces, but many of which were the result of my own stupidity.

The most recent thorns in my side are related to our weekly Pub Trivia outings — tonight I was supposed to host the guest round, but the emcee lady forgot to put me on the list and now I have to wait three more weeks. Aside from that slight, it was generally a horrible night. I basically knew the answer to only one question, and when I tried to tell my team the answer, it took much repetition, scowling, and fist shaking before they finally would agree with me and write it on the damned answer sheet.

[Sidenote: the question was “What language is used to substitute for swear words on Firefly?” The answer was, obviously, Chinese. Or Mandarin, if anyone cares about more specific things.]

[Side Sidenote: the round was “Sci-Fi TV,” and there was no Battlestar Galactica question. APPARENTLY, the host of the round “doesn’t watch it.” I hate the world.]

Anyway, after the trivia debacle in which we did not even place and thus HAD TO PAY FOR ALL OUR DRINKS THE HORROR, I got home only to realize I had left my tab open and had to go collect my card and pay my moneys. All of two dollars, but still. If I had left the tab overnight they would have charged an additional ten.

[Sidenote: I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS*.]

[*Side Sidenote: Bonus points if you can name the reference, and google is cheating.]

In other annoying news, don’t you hate it when you move into a new apartment only to find stains on the carpet? And the landlords try to pass it off with some kind of “sometimes the carpet cleaning process lifts out old stains” nonsense? I sure hate that. Um. So.

So. Anyhow, the other day, while I was busily taking care of my friend’s dog again, my friend B. happened to have rented a Rug Doctor carpet-cleaner-majig, and she offered it to me to use for the afternoon, after she had finished with her own carpets. I thought it would be nice to finally get rid of the foot-traffic, red-wine, and nail-lacquer stains I had accumulated in the past several months, so I took her up on the offer. I spent the afternoon sweating and pushing the thing around and dumping load after load of dirty water down my drains, all the while tending to the two dogs locked away in the bedroom. It was not exactly fortuitous that the day the carpet cleaner became available happened also to be the day the dog was staying with me. It was a blast I tell you. I am sure you are seething with jealousy right this second.

But! It was so worth it! The carpets looked fantastic after I was done!

Until, of course, the next day, when the mystery stain which I had, I thought, successfully removed in the Fall, re-emerged out of the skanky depths of the carpet padding to plague me again. Sure enough, there it is, right in the middle of my living room floor. It’s 2′ across and rust brown and it stares at me with malice in its filthy, filthy eye.

It is like the earth-bound spirit of the people who lived in the apartment before me — people who, clearly, spent their time skanking up the place in ways I could not imagine. That time could have been better spent filling out a change-of-address form with the post office, Shawntae, is all I am saying.

So yeah, things have been rough, just on the basic level of being a human being who lives in the world. My brain is a pile of tapioca pudding and by next week I will be qualified for a handicapped parking space, which I am sure I won’t be using, because I will surely not be doing any shopping, because I will have left my debit card somewhere and forgotten about it. It’s just as well; that’ll give me more time to stare, entranced, at the vision of Elvis appearing in the middle of my living room carpet.

Once again, I promise more about summer school soon! And men’s fashion! I have so much to say about men’s fashion! I just have to collect my brain cells from wherever they have gone off to. A glass of wine will surely help.

7 thoughts on “Let's Get Retarded

  1. Sho May 28, 2008 / 12:54 am

    Don’t tell me that your teammates have actually watched Firefly, because the only reason to get that wrong is if you’ve never watched the show. Also, how can you host a sci-fi trivia round and have not watched BSG? Boo to that.

    The host could at least have the courtesy to look it up on Wikipedia (because it is only the most-watched sci-fi show on TV right now!) and ask a question like, “What is the name of the robotic race in BSG that is bent on destroying the human race?” or “What do the characters of BSG substitute for the f-word?”

    At least there were no traumatic poop incidents with the poopy dog, I hope.

  2. Silliyak May 28, 2008 / 8:41 am

    What if that stain is a portal for intelligence sucking aliens who come in the early morning (they stopped by earlier but you were out)?

  3. clarabella May 28, 2008 / 11:05 am

    Better off Dead. What’s my prize?

  4. Alfina the Vague May 28, 2008 / 12:29 pm

    Sho – I know, right? Gah! One aspect of the trivia rounds it that they tend to be pretty self-indulgent. The good thing about that is that there are a few people who host rounds and that the players can host guest rounds, too, so…I guess the self-indulgence gets spread around more evenly. (That is just in the way of explaining why this guy wouldn’t have bothered to include a BSG question.)

    Silliyak – Uh oh! I had better eradicate the stain posthaste.

    Clarabella – Um, completely intangible “bonus points”? Bragging rights? Or! Um! You win the opportunity to read my Cusack post over at the media blog! Yay?

  5. clarabella May 28, 2008 / 4:35 pm

    Yay! Also, I was in a hurry with my answer post, but I just wanted to say what a BETTER trivia host you would have made than some guy who doesn’t watch BSG (for whom I, therefore, have no respect). Gah, you would most certainly have included questions concerning shows you may not have ever watched. But YOU would’ve done your homework (ahem) and probably asked a question about “Babylon 5” or “Andromeda” even though Sci-Fi should be ashamed of themselves. Ok, end rant.

  6. HJacobs May 28, 2008 / 7:39 pm

    Sorry that it was a bad day for you but did you have to say “let’s get retarded?” Why use that word? I’m guessing that you don’t have anyone with special needs in your family. Lucky you! If you did, you would know the pain it causes. It’s not okay to take away their dignity with a casual remark. I don’t know if you realize how hurtful and demeaning that word is for people with special needs and their families. Well, now you do.
    Thanks for listening.

  7. Alfina the Vague May 28, 2008 / 9:01 pm

    Oooh! You know what’s retarded? Trolling the internet for people using the word “retarded” and then leaving condescending, sanctimonious comments.

    May I point you in the direction of this song? I bet that’ll really get the juices of self-righteousness flowing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s