I was out in the country seeing local music and eating barbeque when I was confronted with a compelling mystery. The mystery sat unassumingly in a bowl beside my plate of ribs, and it appeared to be garnished with bacon bits.
This shady character had assumed the alias of “Five-Layer Vegetable Salad.” Ignoring the apparent redundancy at the end of that phrase, I decided to try it. From the bottom of the bowl to the top, here are what the five layers seemed to be: iceberg lettuce (and we all know no good salad begins with iceberg); obviously canned peas; onions; a thick, puddingy layer of white stuff that didn’t have any distinct flavor but might have been mayonnaise; chopped hardboiled eggs; and the aforementioned bacon bits.
This detective was baffled. Where were the five vegetables promised? What was the white goo, and why was there so much of it? Why was flavor conspicuously absent from every corner of the bowl? And seriously, what was that, mayonnaise?
I needed to consult my assistant Jameson for, you know, assistance. For one thing, I had never been faced with a case this impenetrable, and for another thing, the pain and torture I underwent as I tried to investigate the salad through repeated mixings, pokings, jigglings, sniffings, and (unfortunately) tastings had been unbearable. In my weakened state, I could not rely on my own judgment to scrute this inscrutable dish.
It turned out that my assistant was of little help, cringing and producing only the sounds of gagging when faced with my bowl of mystery. At least with Jameson at my side and in my glass, though, I would be able to wash away the gooey residue it had left behind.
Case Status: Suspended, also Repugnant