Since the dog came to live with us three years ago, the cat has never willingly entered a room where she knew he was located. CAT FACT!

When I try to feed the cat, she shoves her greedy, gluttonous face in the bowl before I am done and gets kibble poured over her head every time. CAT FACT!

Fuck You.

Fuck You.

The cat has been overweight her entire adult life in spite of eating only the minimum dosage of diet cat food allowable by law. CAT FACT!

Whenever the cat’s food bowl is empty, she defecates on the floor in front of it. CAT FACT!

The sofa I have moved into my office is no longer patterned with illustrations similar to those in the Kama Sutra; instead it has a new, fuzzy grey cover that looks suspiciously like cat hair. I do not recall obtaining this cover at any time. CAT FACT!

The cat has destroyed a pair of New Balance running shoes, a pair of pink shearling boots, a pair of Paul Frank/Dr. Scholl’s sandals, and a Crumpler laptop bag, all by urinating on them. CAT FACT!

One time, I’m pretty sure the cat snuck into the bathroom while I was showering and pushed me. CAT FACT!


  1. I thought most animals had the, “Don’t shit where you eat” thing down pretty well. Unless she figures that there is no food in the bowl, which means she’s not eating at that moment, indicating that this is where she must shit. Cat fact?


  2. Yeah, she used to be fine with this rule. These days I think it’s just genuine spite pooping. Here’s the process, or my interpretation of it, anyway:

    The bowl is empty; she yowls.

    Yowling does not produce food; she poops.

    Poop produces me because I have to clean it up.

    I refuse, however, FLAT OUT REFUSE to put food in that bowl within 3 hours of a poop incident.

    Pooping, therefore, does not produce food in the bowl.

    She still does it, though.



  3. I would put newspaper down for ease of cleaning, then maybe start putting her food bowl next to the cat box. You could do a stare down to (re)establish your dominance, and then tease her about the fact that you have opposable thumbs.


  4. I have a friend who has this crotchety old cat who, when dissatisfied with her food bowl for whatever reason (empty, doesn’t like the food, the other cat ate out of it, whatever) will piss into the bowl. Yes. Piss in her own food bowl.

    Cats are bizarre little buggers. I am fortunate that mine only bring me dead things and sleep in my clean but not put away clothes.


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