In the spirit of audience participation, please tell me what you think is creepy in the comments!
1. Slow Walkers/Drivers/Bikers: If you are moving slowly, it looks like you have nowhere to go. Moving slowly is pretty much the same thing as lurking, especially if you are walking, driving, or cycling up my street, gazing around aimlessly, and half smiling. Speed the hell up and get out of my neighborhood, slow movers.
2. Lurkers: See above. Standing around outside? You had better be smoking or making a phone call, creep.
3. Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones
4. Students Who Make Too Many Visits to My Office: I think we’ve been over this one.
5. Elevator Riders Who Ride up Several Floors with You in Silence, Only to Wish You a Nice Day as They Exit: Is this some kind of passive-aggressive commentary on the fact that I did not speak to you the whole way? Well, you did not speak to me, either, until your final creepy declaration. Couldn’t we have ridden in silence the entire way, as the social contract indicates is proper? No?
6. Loud Yoga Breathers: No explanation needed here, but I would like to point out that these offenders are always men. Never fails. It’s because they want to be better at yoga than everyone else. Guys, yoga is not a competition. Please be quiet.
7. Pretty Much Any Movie by Tim Burton
8. Salesman-Style Introductions: You know, the old, “Hi, how are you?” conversation opener, followed by several questions they expect you to answer before they introduce themselves by name and/or tell you what it is they are doing calling you/stopping by your office/ringing your doorbell.
9. Male Gynecologists: I’m sorry, but there is no reason a man becomes a gynecologist other than that he likes to look at and/or touch a Lady’s Special Area. I mean think about it; think about the young medical student or resident or whatever, deciding on his specialty. What goes into this decision? I cannot even fathom a decent reason. Male gynecologists are the creepiest of the creepy. I accidentally saw one last year, after thinking I had made an appointment with a woman, and I was completely appalled and freaked out the entire time. How do male gynecologists possibly stay in business? There is a reason I call Lady Doctors “Lady Doctors.” It is not only because they doctor the ladies; it is also because they are LADIES who are doctors.