Things I Think Are Creepy, Some of Which I Have Explained

In the spirit of audience participation, please tell me what you think is creepy in the comments!

1. Slow Walkers/Drivers/Bikers: If you are moving slowly, it looks like you have nowhere to go. Moving slowly is pretty much the same thing as lurking, especially if you are walking, driving, or cycling up my street, gazing around aimlessly, and half smiling. Speed the hell up and get out of my neighborhood, slow movers.

2. Lurkers: See above. Standing around outside? You had better be smoking or making a phone call, creep.

3. Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones

4. Students Who Make Too Many Visits to My Office: I think we’ve been over this one.

5. Elevator Riders Who Ride up Several Floors with You in Silence, Only to Wish You a Nice Day as They Exit: Is this some kind of passive-aggressive commentary on the fact that I did not speak to you the whole way? Well, you did not speak to me, either, until your final creepy declaration. Couldn’t we have ridden in silence the entire way, as the social contract indicates is proper? No?

6. Loud Yoga Breathers: No explanation needed here, but I would like to point out that these offenders are always men. Never fails. It’s because they want to be better at yoga than everyone else. Guys, yoga is not a competition. Please be quiet.

7. Pretty Much Any Movie by Tim Burton

8. Salesman-Style Introductions: You know, the old, “Hi, how are you?” conversation opener, followed by several questions they expect you to answer before they introduce themselves by name and/or tell you what it is they are doing calling you/stopping by your office/ringing your doorbell.

9. Male Gynecologists: I’m sorry, but there is no reason a man becomes a gynecologist other than that he likes to look at and/or touch a Lady’s Special Area. I mean think about it; think about the young medical student or resident or whatever, deciding on his specialty. What goes into this decision? I cannot even fathom a decent reason. Male gynecologists are the creepiest of the creepy. I accidentally saw one last year, after thinking I had made an appointment with a woman, and I was completely appalled and freaked out the entire time. How do male gynecologists possibly stay in business? There is a reason I call Lady Doctors “Lady Doctors.” It is not only because they doctor the ladies; it is also because they are LADIES who are doctors.


  1. #1 mainly just infuriates me. It’s been gross, spitting drizzle-rain here all day, and the 2 times I got in the car I had to be behind those stupid people who don’t know how to use the accelerator & therefore drive slowly. They make me want to be violent, with punching and shit.
    #4: Yes yes yes yes yes. That book almost made me physically ill. Ever preview of that movie gave me the willies. I will not be seeing it.

    #9: I’ve had both & I just don’t really care. In fact, I had one woman lady doctor who was a total bitch. I only let her examine me once.
    My male lady doctor (obgyn) is so detached that I don’t even think about what he’s actually looking at when he IS actually looking at it.

    What creeps me out…hmm…I know there are things: I don’t know, maybe half the people in this stupid state. I’ll have to think of others.


  2. I saw Burton’s Alice in Wonderland over the weekend. Yeah, there’s some creepy stuff going on in there but, then again, I guess that’s a given, considering the source material. Still, I don’t remember anything in Carroll about…well, I don’t want to toss out spoilers here.

    So anyway, things that are currently creeping me out: mysterious puddles of water in my campus’ library’s bathrooms, unreasonable professors who smile sadistically as they pass out take-home finals, the weather in Portland over the past few days and the decor in the Secret Society lounge.


  3. Okay, yeah, the male lady doctor — I mean, what’s next? A mail lady? What? How? But what’s even harder to fathom is the proctologist. I mean, really.


  4. I couldn’t possibly think of anything worse than being a lady doctor. I mean, I do love lady parts, but as a lady doctor, your job description is basically to deal with everything that can go wrong and is nasty about them. No thanks.

    @Clarabella – ‘to be violent, with punching and shit’ is one of the best lines I’ve read all week.

    Re Alice In Wonderland the Tim Burton version, it’s OK only. It’s nowhere near as good as the Lewis Carroll stories.


  5. To be fair, some people on zimmer frames can’t help the slow walking. Maybe we could install rocket packs in their zimmer frames to help dispell any confusion.

    Re #8, I guess the best response to the salespersonular ‘Hi, how are you’ is ‘I’m doing just craptacular, owing to the fact that I am wasting my time talking to a corporate drone rather than doing something worthwhile’, followed by a sarcastic smile.

    Some JWs came round to our house the other day, and the result was a very amicable exchange of letters…


  6. Tim T: Even corporate drones need to eat. Consider this, lest you be dubbed a “pampered, elitist prick.”


  7. Awesome – thanks for playing along, peeps!

    C – I have definitely had some female Lady Docs who were less than pleasant, too. One who worked at our college’s clinic had Tammy Faye Bakker fingernails that stretched out her latex gloves and pretty much terrified me. Egads.

    B – Mysterious Puddles are definitely the worst! (Also, I’m afraid I have been that prof before…)

    S – Um, yeah, with their tiny size and creepy swarming nature! Ugh.

    D – Oh yeah, for sure. Proctologist. I just thank dog I have not yet had any reason to encounter one of those! And with that one, no matter what gender they are, it’s creepy.

    J – I haven’t decided to see the Alice in Wonderland film yet….might have to wait for DVD on that one.

    T – Well, now, having just googled “zimmer frame” (it’s called a “walker” over here), I can agree. I don’t necessarily find those creepy. But an able-bodied person, walking around all slowly? I stand by that as creepy!

    CD – Uh oh, tension! Anyway, I take no issue with corporate employees or salespeople per se, but I do hate the sense that I am being asked all these leading questions before my interrogator even tells me who he/she is.


  8. I watched Stanley Tucci give an interview on Oscar night, I think, about his performance in The Lovely Bones and it was clear he found himself creepy in that role, which sort of made me love him even more.

    I find most elevator rides include hefty does of creepy, especially when one of the riders will turn to quasi-face me in the elevator. Like, not full frontal facing, but halfway, and when people do that I can’t tell if they want to talk (I don’t; I HATE small talk and especially elevator small talk), or if they just want to keep an eye on me.


  9. I did catch Stanley Tucci kind of cringing at himself when they showed his clip at the Oscars. It must be a strange experience if you are a basically nice, normal person to play a character like that.

    And oh, elevator rides! I completely agree. I would just like it if we could all stay facing forward, intently staring at the number display, and just ignoring each other the whole way up. The worst is when you start out with some nice small talk but it sputters out around floor 2 and you ride up the rest of the way in awkward silence because there’s nothing else to say!


  10. OMG you are right. That guy looks like a creeper of the highest order. The phrase “vulvar health/sexuality,” listed among his (ugh) “services” (uggggh) pretty much seals the deal. I’m glad Hank’s moving in the right direction, though!


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