This is the Major Grading Week of the semester right now: I’m dealing with final essays from all of my classes and I’m giving final exams later this week. I have to get the essays graded before the finals are given and then must grade the finals and calculate semester averages usually within 48 hours after each final exam. Got all that? Good.

Well, I discovered something wonderful this morning, something I can add to my grading system for increased success and efficiency, and I’d like to tell you about it. Have you heard of coffee? It is like a magic drug. A drug that renders you capable of awesome feats with the red pen, paperclip, and manila folder. On coffee, you can do things you never thought possible. You can grade six ten-page research papers in a single hour. You can fly! FLY I TELL YOU! All because of coffee.

Today I made a pot of coffee at home and had a delicious cup of it before going in to the office. (“Cup” used here does not denote the standard measure of 8 fluid ounces, but rather the amount that fits into the giant mug depicted below, which is almost as big as my head. I’m not sure how many ounces that may be, but I am guessing it’s a number somewhere between twelve and perfection.)

After having that first cup, I poured the rest into my trusty travel mug and hit the road. People, I was on fire. I organized; I paperworked; I sorted and stapled. I graded. I burned through an entire section’s worth of freshman essays with a pen of blazing rhetorical flame. Coffee. I tell you what.

I plan to repeat this amazing feat every day this week, brewing it up like there is no tomorrow (except that there is a tomorrow and a tomorrow’s tomorrow and another tomorrow after that, at least, and each and every one of them is full of more stacks of essays). The week shall no longer be known as Grading Week. It shall henceforth and hereeverafter be known as COFFEE WEEK!

Coffee.

Thank you and good night. If I can fall asleep.