Before I tell you Step Two of the big plan — How to Lose 100 Pounds — I have some thoughts. Thoughts and questions.
First of all, I’ll be totally frank and in my frankness probably pathetic. It bothers me when I spend a little time and effort writing something here, especially when it is something that for whatever reason is important to me, and no one responds to it. I actually let through two spam comments on the post below because 1) no one else responded, and 2) the spam comments were (unintentionally) hilariously in tune with the obnoxious sarcasm I was going for there.
But, so, yeah. No actual, non-spamming people had anything to say about my glib and sarcastic how-to post on gaining 100 pounds. I assume this is because no one actually wants to gain 100 pounds and therefore the message was of no use to anyone.
But is there something else? Is fat still socially taboo enough that we aren’t supposed to talk about it? Too personal? Too loaded? Too disgusting?
Was the glib sarcasm too offensive? Not in keeping with a topic that is personal and emotional?
Was the attempt at humor too pathetically transparent? The real, underlying content too sad and depressing? Believe me, I thought it was a bit depressing too, for fuck’s sake.
Maybe since the subject was important to me I should have been more thoughtful in how I wrote about it.
But as I’ve mentioned here now and again over the past year, I’ve been on a health and fitness and weight loss mission. Just this week I reached my weight loss goal, having lost over 100 pounds. I’m back at my regular weight now after about five years spent gaining and keeping those 100 pounds.
I couldn’t come here and tell you about reaching that goal, though, without also telling you how fat I had been. You can’t exactly lose 100 pounds unless you have 100 extra pounds lying around somewhere, you know? The thought that I did have that excess, the knowledge that I had gone out and gotten it somehow during the mess and turmoil and sludge of those graduate school years, well. The thought was paralyzingly awful.
There would be no acknowledging of the success without also simultaneously acknowledging where I had started. Believe me, I did not want to do that. During the time that I gained weight and kept it on, I was in complete and total denial — I had no idea how much I weighed and whenever I accidentally chanced to look in the mirror I never really saw a fat person looking back at me. How could I acknowledge it here?
Same way I always deal with uncomfortable situations: clumsy humor! Obnoxious attitude! Bitchiness!
But yeah, that happened. I left the state of Oregon about 100 pounds fatter than I’d been when I arrived there, and for a long time I thought I was just going to stay that way. The people I met when I moved here had never seen me at my normal, healthy weight and size. To them, I was just a person who was 100 pounds overweight — was it time to just accept the identity of an obese person? To accept I would always be fat, always a little bit sweaty and uncomfortable?
You know of course that I did not do that. I suppose I could have but at some point I decided it was time to say “fuck this bullshit” and turn it around.
Next installment, hopefully less snarky: How to Lose 100 Pounds.