Embarrassing Confessions

When you gain and then lose 100 pounds, some of your skin starts looking like crepe paper. Neat trick? Pinch some of it and then watch how long it takes to settle back into its place. Still waiting here. FUNSIES!

This guy friend of mine is out of town for a while and I can’t shake the feeling that when he comes back it will be the time for him to tell me he doesn’t want to be seeing me any more and maybe we should just be friends. It’s that 90-Days: Shit-or-Get-Off-the-Pot stage.

When you think about it, in this context, neither shitting nor getting off the pot is a very appealing metaphor.

I have been listening to Neko Case’s Middle Cyclone non-stop for the past three months, and I love it so much that I am now afraid something will happen to taint my enjoyment of it.

I have been vegan for almost two years and in that time have avoided buying anything made of leather, but I desperately want new boots for fall. I can’t find any good non-leather ones. I am trying to make excuses.

I bought a $4 tee shirt with huge horizontal stripes today, mainly because it’s something I never would have worn when I was overweight and it’s something my mother would have told me never to wear — because it would “make me look wider.”

I am 32 years old and I still get enjoyment out of doing things my mother would hate, just because I can.

I cry during every single episode of Friday Night Lights.

I am trying to eat more calories for my “maintenance” level right now but I got so used to eating fewer calories that it is hard to get to the number I am trying to hit. Those folks out there on a weight-loss mission probably want to kick me right now and I SO UNDERSTAND. But it has been OVER A YEAR of operating on a calorie deficit. It’s hard to make a change. Confession? Tonight I am filling the gap with wine. Hence this list.

I don’t know whether a post like this is refreshingly honest or humiliatingly pathetic. It’s all ME ME ME, which seems bad, right? But at least I still have the sense not to be writing about anyone else.

16 thoughts on “Embarrassing Confessions

  1. Kerri Anne July 28, 2010 / 10:32 pm

    I love this post. It’s honest and it’s you and therefore it quite perfectly belongs here. Also, if your man friend does decide he doesn’t want to see you anymore, it’s most definitely him deciding he can’t handle how awesome you are. And the only one who loses in that scenario is him.

  2. Timothy July 28, 2010 / 10:33 pm

    I’d say a post like is is rad as hell. I love it when folks get comfortable enough to just share who they are basically the same way in basically all contexts. That journey took me a really long time, and it was really fucking difficult (as if in the past tense, it so isn’t), so it’s cool to see other folks getting toward the same place (or who are closer than me).

  3. susiemaye July 28, 2010 / 10:50 pm

    Love the post. Just a few thoughts:

    -Wine is filled with antioxidants, right? That’s healthy.
    -Congrats on being a vegan for two years! I was eating vegan for like 6 hours today and then the cheese did me in. The flesh is weak.
    -I co-sign with Kerri Anne on the guy friend issue. I’m giving him the side eye in advance if he does not recognize your awesomeness.

  4. Golightly July 28, 2010 / 11:05 pm

    You are so right about the 90-day mark! It is the unofficial time of Deciding. I still remember talking to you about that when I hit it with my fiance. I have about 20 pages of journal freewriting from that period. I think before we get married I’ll burn it.

    Also, does deciding that yes you do want to stay with someone=shitting? That is a weird metaphor indeed.

  5. Kate July 28, 2010 / 11:13 pm

    You guys are so nice to a tipsy / moody lady like myself. I use the term “lady” generously there.

    K – Thank you. I am seeing it as a Time in Life to Learn a few Things, and if it doesn’t work out that is OK.

    T – Thank to you too. You are as ever a man who knows who he is.

    S – Aha, hello! Thank you for calling your side-eye into service! Hopefully it will not be needed. Also I guess you know who I am talking about. I am so totally busted on so many levels here.

  6. Kate July 28, 2010 / 11:15 pm

    G – ha, we were commenting at the same time. Yeah, right? Staying together = SHITTING?! WTF. I did not make up that saying, but I did decide to use it. Oh well! Gross.

  7. Scott July 29, 2010 / 5:33 am

    I couldn’t comment on your other post, but I just wanted to let you know I loved your “How to lose 100 pounds” post. I’ve forwarded it to many friends I have a similar conversation with…just with less cussing. Anyways, keep looking on the boots. Your ethical remorse will far outweigh any joy you get from having purchased them…I’ve been vegan 15 years and everytime those excuses come in my head, I find when I make the effort and not give in, I instantly feel better. Just a suggestion.

  8. Katie July 29, 2010 / 10:49 am

    Ah, Middle Cyclone. Such an awesome album, and I don’t think there’s anything that could taint it, so you’re safe! I’m seeing the New Pornographers both Saturday and Sunday this weekend (the latter show by myself) and am so excited to be close to the greatness of Neko Case again. I’m a dork…

  9. Simply Bike July 29, 2010 / 11:07 am

    This post is really refreshingly honest and wonderful. Thanks for having the guts to hit publish after writing it. I’m so impressed that you lost 100 lbs and that you’ve taken up healthy eating, running, and bike commuting as a way to maintain that. Your voice is a refreshing change from a lot of other blogs I’ve been coming across lately, thanks for adding your words to the blogosphere! S.

  10. clarabella July 29, 2010 / 2:27 pm

    I didn’t comment yesterday b/c I was exhausted, but…
    Philly & I cry over every episode of FNL as well. You are not alone. That show…it tugs the heart strings. Dammit.
    Also, per the unpleasant metaphor, I always heard “piss or get off the pot,” if that makes you feel any better. Oh, I know. It’s still stupid. And unpleasant. But here’s hoping he’s up for…not getting off the pot, I suppose. (I have to agree with the general census here that it will be his loss if he does choose to…get off the pot.) You are teh Awesome.
    Don’t buy the leather boots. I know you want to, but I think you’ll have buyer’s remorse, worse, VEGAN buyer’s remorse. Those awesome TOMS wrap boots are Vegan, I believe. They’re not ugly. Also, they’re not $400. Just a thought.
    I am glad you’re filling “maintenance” calories with alcohol. That means we can get shitty after the race next week.

  11. clarabella July 29, 2010 / 2:28 pm

    CONcensus. Sheesh.

  12. Kate July 31, 2010 / 2:48 pm

    Scott – Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the encouragement to just say no on the leather boots. I swear, for me, fashion is way more tempting than cheese! (Especially because I have yet to find any non-leather ones I really like, but I’m sure some are out there for me.)

    Katie – It’s just such a great album. And have fun at the shows – I am jealous 🙂

    SB – Thank you so much for the kind words. It means a lot if others out there can relate or at least be entertained by the stuff I wind up posting here!

    Clarabella – Thanks for the commiseration on FNL and the encouragement on the boots. I will keep looking! I have checked out the Tom’s vegan wrap boots, but I’m not sure they’re what I’m looking for. I’m hoping to find a riding-boot-type style that will work over jeans and with skirts. Not in leather. I must be asking a lot but maybe in the Fall more designers will have new things coming out. Looking forward to drinking up those maintenance calories after the race!

  13. Alexis August 1, 2010 / 3:32 am

    I live not far from this excellent shop, Vegan Wares, which will export you your cool vegan boots, custom built to fit your foot (you can send them a paper-tracing of said foot, so that they get the width right too) and in a colour of your choice. Their shoes are pretty seriously spendy, and all the more so by the time they’ve flown from Australia to Amerikay, but they’re SO SO fab. I have a pair of sensible black Doc Martinesque lace-ups, a two-toned buckle-up green pair o’ snappy brogues with heels, and a flat teal sandal, each one the bestest shoe ever.

    (Also, thanks for this post. I find more or less whatever you write excellent, but this especially.)

  14. Kate August 1, 2010 / 1:14 pm

    Alexis – First of all, OMG WHOAH on that Vegan Wares shop! It looks fantastic! I am now admiringly jealous that you live nearby. I have bookmarked it and will definitely consider having them make some boots. I think I’d prefer to spend less, but I am still investigating…. Second of all, thanks for the kind words; I appreciate it!

  15. Alexis August 2, 2010 / 9:43 pm

    Yes,strictly for rich or otherwise profligate vegans. When the soles wear out, you resole these shoes, you don’t replace them. It’s made sense for me to get them, because I walk a lot, and the cheap non-leather shoes I was buying from Kmart were falling apart after a month. Or so I like to rationalise spending $200 on a pair o’ street shoes.

  16. Kate August 3, 2010 / 12:39 am

    That does make sense. I always wind up buying the cheapies at Target, which always has vegan shoes (though not marketed as vegan) just because vinyl is cheaper. They last about a season, cost $20, and are basically disposable. I would like some higher quality ones, but because I don’t walk to work (if I don’t drive, I bike), it’s not as crucial for me.

    Anyway!

    I think I may have solved my boot crisis! Zappos (awesome US online shoe seller) had these a long time ago but I failed to buy them before my size sold out. WELL. I found them on ebay!

    http://www.zappos.com/madden-girl-zoiiee-black

    I think they look pretty cute and they seem like they could go with jeans OR a skirt, so we’ll see. I have ordered them but if I don’t like them they can go back.

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