I realize that I may seem like the model of virtuous living here, with my carefully balanced life of organic vegan food, endurance sports, whiskey, and cupcakes, but I assure you that outside of these aspects I am not exactly the paragon of good health.
I forget my sunscreen all the time. I still think longingly of cigarettes even though I don’t smoke anymore. I wait for things to just go away on their own instead of going to see the doctor (still waiting for that extra ear growing out of my shoulder to fall off) and I can never, EVER maintain a flossing routine.
I mean seriously. Who among us enjoys flossing their teeth? Who? Is it you? If it is, I submit to you that we cannot possibly be the same human species.
Flossing is just wrong. You have to take that stupid little string (and no, flavoring it like mint does not make it better) and work it in between your teeth. This first step is hard enough when you have teeth as closely crammed together as mine are.
Sidebar: Growing up, I never had braces because we just did not have the money. I am lucky to have relatively straight teeth, but they are packed in there like, um, sardines in a can. Which is a disgusting thought. But regardless, I consider myself lucky not to have inherited the seriously crooked teeth of my mother. Hers are like summer teeth. Finish the joke if you can.
But let’s move on before I paint too attractive a picture of myself and you all start stalking me, crazed with desire.
It’s difficult enough to just get the floss in there. And for the longest time, that was all I thought you had to do. Floss between your teeth. But oh, no. No, they tell me. I am supposed to get that stupid minty string below the gumline. As in between my tooth and my GUMS.
Guh. That is the most wretched thing I can think of. Taking a string and slicing it down in between my tooth, which is sitting there doing no harm to anyone and is probably quite comfortable in his cozy little spot, and my gums. Even the word gums is terrible, is it not?
And then it hurts, because I had to apply so much force to the string to get it in between my teeth than it SNAPS right down and SLICES into me. And then, I have to pull the string back OUT of there, also applying tons of force, and it SNAPS back out and the food/plaque goes flying because at this point the floss has become like a slingshot held taught between my teeth and I have just released it. Little flecks of food and plaque go flying at incredible velocities all over the bathroom.
I hate flossing.
However, I do it. After my dentist appointment in August, I flossed every day for, like, four entire days in a row! And since then, I have flossed at least three more times. Now where is my fucking medal?