On Whiskey, Bridget Jones, and Cussing

Well, internet, what have I been up to, you [didn’t] ask? Oh, too much. Too much and not enough, as always. The past couple of weeks, the tiredness that has accrued by this point in the semester is hitting me hard. It hasn’t helped that I took 10 days off running to rest a sore hamstring and knee, and thus was deprived of my delicious running endorphins, aka the crack that keeps me at human-like energy levels throughout the week.

But in other, completely unrelated, cool, brisk, and beautiful news, fall weather seems finally to have arrived here in the deep South. Check it:

[319/365] Fall Colors

Gray skies and everything. A scarf, a coat, and I am a happy girl. Just let’s ignore the weather forecast that suggests by Thanksgiving it’ll be back in the upper 70s. Moving on!

Basil Hayden Bourbon

I have, however, been doing my best to relax and buoy my spirits when possible. Occasionally this involves a little too much of the liquid spirits, such as the Basil Hayden pictured above. It is the best bourbon, trust me. It is, in fact, just a little bit too delicious. To counterbalance having too much of one thing, I apparently went with too little of another:

Jones, you appear to have forgotten your skirt.

Like Bridget Jones at work, I seemed to have forgotten my skirt. Seriously, is this slutty, or cute? I don’t think I even know any more.

Speaking of Bridget Jones, I happened to have the television on Saturday night after the football game, and on one of the four or five basic channels I get (free, bare-bones package that comes with internet service) was playing Bridget Jones’ Diary. Oh, how I love that movie! Keep in mind, y’all, that this was a regular cable channel, not, say, one of the channels that allows cussing. And this movie has, as I noted during my censored viewing, a fair amount of swears in it — or rather, swears that were conspicuously missing from it. Not that I in any way object to profanity, as you may already know.

(Have you ever noticed that a lot of “profanity” just consists of Anglo-Saxon words, while their Latinate counterparts are considered acceptable? Compare, for example, the etymology of fuck vs sex, piss vs urine, or shit vs feces. Go on and get out your OED; I’ll wait.)

(Just kidding about the dictionary thing. You can just trust me on this. Polite society is opposed to Nordic people.)

But back to my point about the censorship: When Bridget declares to Daniel Cleaver, “if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I’d rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein’s arse,” the TV censors changed it to “washing Saddam Hussein’s cars.” Lord help me.

And apropos of nothing much, but mainly because I am now thinking about Bridget Jones and her awesomely foul mouth, here’s some dating advice from Miss Jones herself:

Will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things.

Words to the wise, there. Now what do you think the TV network replaced “fuckwit” with? “Fartwit.” No, really. So tell me, what’s your favorite fake cuss word? It can be from a cleaned-up-for-TV movie or not.


  1. I love the old timey photos. May I recommend Bulleit bourbon for your imbibing pleasure? (It’s a KY bourbon and made by my friend’s family…but I don’t get any kickbacks for recommending it all over the internet, I need to buy it at retail prices like everyone else and a significant portion of my post doc stipend is allotted to it.)


  2. S – Thanks — I had this skirt waiting in my closet for tights-weather for just that reason! Without the tights it is slut city.

    K – Weirdly, I have only seen Die Hard overdubbed in German.

    Aj – Oh it’s so funny that you say that because Bulleit is my normal bourbon that I always have at home. I don’t currently have a bottle but, like, 90% of the time you can spot some in my kitchen. I love the stuff. (Basil Hayden is too pricey for regular consumption.)


  3. My all time favorite made-up cuss word regularly comes out of the mouth of my very conservative best friend:

    “Mother effing bleeper!”

    Usually said while driving or when one of her many kiddos is driving her bonkers.


  4. By moral imperative, I had to turn it off when I saw that appalling modification of the dialogue. Is it true that the famous (and knee-wobblingly sexy) closing line “Oh yes they fucking do” was eliminated altogether?

    Moss from The IT Crowd’s “motherflipping” cracks me up. As does “Yippy Ki Yay, Mr. Falcon” as commented above.

    Also: cute dress. πŸ™‚


  5. It would probably be lame if I brought up the Big Lebowski as the greatest OAT example of ridiculous TV edits. Nonetheless….

    – “This is what happens, Larry. This is what happens when you meet a stranger in the Alps and feed him scrambled eggs!”

    – “They peed on my valued rug.”

    – “Are you ready to be plucked, man?”

    – ” If you don’t like my peaceful music, get your own cab. Outta my peaceful cab!” Note: I actually prefer this version.

    Also: what filter did you use on those photos to make them all browny and old and cool? More also: Makers Mark. That’s what I go with. Because I don’t know any better and Anthony Bourdain once told me to drink it.


  6. W – “mother effing bleeper!” I love it. I’m a big fan of the word “effing,” as is already obvious.

    S – Oh man, that last line is definitely a knee wobbler. I’m sorry but I just LOVE Colin Firth. In anything, really. But I don’t remember if they used that line or not, now. You know what is the stupidest thing? I own this movie on DVD. And yet I watched it, censored, on TV.

    B – Oh man oh man. I have heard about some of the bleeps from Big Lebowski, but I’ve never seen it on TV for myself. The scrambled eggs line always kills me. Also, I think I tend to agree with you: I prefer the “peaceful cab” line. God I love that movie. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS LARRY. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.


  7. Oh, and re the photos: I use the Picture Show app on my iPhone to mess with photos that are already in my camera roll. You can add borders, effects, change the lighting, color, contrast, etc. The two indoor ones were pretty crappy to begin with (super low lighting), so I mainly just tried to make them look…purposeful. I like that app a lot, though..


  8. I just use “frak” a whole lot, although I obv. didn’t make it up. I have taken to using “clusterfuss” and “flustercluck” a bit as a replacement for, well, you know…
    Remember in college when Randy & Nick & I started using the word “perk” as a replacement curse word to see if it would catch on? No. Yeah, it didn’t. Catch on, that is. Although Randy & Nick & I continued to use it unwittingly for months.


  9. Kate: I realized that it was only when I saw the DVD in its full unadulterated form, eff words and all, that I felt the love, particularly for Mr Firth. I had seen it on TV, probably modified to hell and gone, but after my roommate and I watched the DVD… that last line in particular was like being hit in the solar plexus with a lust stick. Rowr!


  10. I happened to catch Snakes on a Plane on basic cable last Christmas while visiting my parents. For the best line of the movie, the reason they probably MADE the movie, they went with the following:

    “Someone better get these Monday to Friday snakes off this Monday to Friday plane!” Yeah. I pretty much say Monday to Friday all the time now. How can you not?!


  11. Did you read the books? I really really enjoyed Bridget Jones no. 1 but no 2 was silly (and the movie was worse). There was a number 3 novel in the works but to my knowledge it was only ever published in the papers (and the plot was reportedly stupid! Bridget and Mr Darcy split up!!! Bridget got together with Cleaver!!! OMFG that is so wrong etc).

    As to favourite swear words, well, I don’t know, but how about making them up? ‘Festering gruntlenods’, ‘quinching snirtlebums’, for starters.


  12. @TimT: There was a third series of columns that appeared in The Independent in 2005 and 2006, unsatisfactory in its resolution, but, as I am given to understand, never properly finished. The first two books were also columns first, very different from the novels in some ways. I’m hoping a third novel is forthcoming that polishes things up and sets things right. Book #2 had, in some ways, more emotional depth than the first, loosely strung around the events of Jane Austen’s Persuasion.

    Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack your comment thread πŸ™‚


  13. Yeah but I think Pride and Prejudice was the model for the first, not a bad model to go by! The funniest joke in the second was the meta-commentary on the film phenomenon that happened when Bridget Jones interviewed Colin Firth and got all excited, going on about how she was going to interview Mr Darcy – in its own way a kind of acknowledgement of defeat after the film phenomenon sapped all the publicity.

    The first novel had depth – Bridgets relationship with her mother and father, and her mothers relationship with that conman guy, and Mr Darcy’s relationships with and actions to all of these people – made for an excellent plot.

    Well, that’s my take anyway!


  14. Clarabella – “Frak” is of course one of my favorites, too. One of the best things about that series. And “perk,” well, I think it would have taken a major television phenomenon to get that one rolling!

    Sandra – Oh man, a lust stick indeed.

    Chrissy – Monday to Friday? That is so awesome I am going to have to start using it right this Monday-to-Friday minute!

    KWH – Thank you, I love monkeyfeather, and Yes, Bridget Jones is the bomb.

    TimT – Oh, I loved the books, but I agree the first one was better. I wish there had been a good third one! I cannot support the idea of her ending up with Cleaver, however. I happen to know one Daniel Cleaver myself and he is NOT the one one ends up with! HMPF.

    Sandra – Oh, I had no idea about the columns!

    TimT _ I knew I could count on you for some good made-up words!

    PS – OMG we have made it to 20 comments! Possibly unprecedented?


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