If I were in charge around here, things’d be different, see?

  1. My first new executive order: Able-bodied people only going up or down 1-2 floors are not allowed to use the elevator in our heavily trafficked 10-story classroom building.
  2. Anyone waiting to enter the elevator will be required to first stand clear of the doors while allowing others to exit.
  3. New tax levied, creating a second set of elevators that would be designated for use exclusively by middle-aged men who like to stare at women up and down the lengths of their bodies. Save money by servicing these elevators infrequently.
  4. Job creation: addition of an express line at the coffee & bagel shop counter for people who want only to purchase self-serve drip coffee. Anyone ordering espresso drinks, bagels, pastries, or sandwiches will now be required to use the excruciatingly slow regular line.
  5. Bonus job creation: hire more people to actually make the sandwiches.
  6. Strictly prohibited: speaking to people who are wearing earphones.
  7. Violation of any of these laws would be punishable by a strict fine, with funds going to a different progressive charity each month.


  1. I often refer to my desire to be the Vice President of Common Sense at a University! It’s been my dream job for years! I’ve been to coffee places that have express drip coffee lines, bless them! Getting off an elevator etiquette is less of a problem in places where people use public transportation. For many Auburn students, I would imagine an elevator is as close to public transportation that some of them have been exposed to!!!


    1. Ha! You are right that it’s probably the closest they have gotten to busy public transportation! But still, common sense should prevail. Sigh.


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